Kimo's

Lahaina, Maui, Hawaii, United States

Or, how to cause steam to erupt from a waiter’s ears. We were on Maui over the Holidays with my wife’s family, and we wanted to treat everyone, but we didn’t want any drama when the check came, so my wife pulled the trick where you say you’re going to the bathroom, but you really slip the waiter your credit card. Well, she learned that trick from her father, who did the same thing, and then when the check came, my wife’s grandmother was also shoving a credit card in the waiter’s face. I’m not sure who wound up paying. Poor waiter. We didn’t mean to make him hyperventilate.

The one thing that Kimo’s does really well is, of course, fish. The way their menu works is different. You pick fresh fish, like ahi or ono or mahi mahi, and then you pick how it’s prepared, like grilling it or baking it. From time to time, the fish and the preparations change. It’s always good, though. They also have what’s called a hula pie, which is macadamia nut ice cream in a chocolate crust with chocolate syrup, macadamia nuts, and whipped cream on top. Believe me, too many of those will sink your outrigger.

The location couldn’t be any better, either. Located on Lahaina’s main drag, the dining area also overlooks the harbor and offers up some spectacular sunsets.

One thing to watch for is the ambiguous gender demarcation on the restrooms. The last time that we were there, the women’s restroom was indicated only by a picture of an orchid while the men’s restroom was indicated by a hibiscus. We’ll just leave it at that.

Here’s the address: 845 Front Street, Lahaina, Maui, HI 96761; Telephone: (808) 661-4811

Humuhumunukunukuapua'a

Wailea, Maui, Hawaii, United States

It's also the name of a fish, the official state fish of Hawaii, as a matter of fact. It's not on the menu. But other fish are. Humuhumu, as the name is mercifully shortened, is one of the restaurants at the Grand Wailea resort on Maui's southwest coast.

It's hard to go wrong at a fish restaurant in Hawaii, and yes, the food is good here. Their gimmick, besides the name, is that the lobsters they serve live in the lagoon around the restaurant. That always creeped me out a little. It's like that episode of the old Battlestar Galactica where they find the planet, and the aliens there keep the humans well fed and distracted with casino-style gambling up until the moment they're eaten. I imagine the lobsters in much the same situation. Although, I think that the roulette wheel would get soggy.

What makes the restaurant is the atmosphere. The entire restaurant is situated on a deck in the middle of aforementioned saltwater lagoon. Some parts are covered. Others are more alfresco. Some tables are even on their own little island. They even have a troupe of Hawaiian musicians to serenade you. A meal there, if a little pricey, makes for a good evening. Just don't do what my mother-in-law did and mistake a pat of butter for a pearl onion. I shouldn't have laughed, but it was funny.

A note about the Grand Wailea if your're planning to travel to Maui. My wife and I think it's a little over-the-top, but it does have a lot of family activities. There are more low-key hotels in Wailea and in Kihei, a few miles north, and in Makena, a few miles south.